WHY?

Life as a president. Which word would I use to describe?

Tough/ Tired/ Clueless/ Boring/ Helpless/ Headache/ Irritated/ Lousy/ Miserable/ Annoying/ Frustrated/ Disappointed/ Terrible/ Doubtful/ Tortured/ Lost ???

I have not a clue at all. Should I choose all the words above?
Yes, all the words describe my feelings now.
I'm having such mixed feelings now. At this hour, at this moment, in my heart, I feel so many things.

I cried just now. Cried like nobody's business. I finally allow myself to release it out with the simplest yet the best and most efficient way. I felt a little better, just a little. I thought crying can make me forget about everything but now I finally understand, it's wrong. I just helps you to feel slightly better. Just slightly. How pathetic.

All the tears that dropped down from my eyes, it's the amount of pressure I'm holding, and it's the amount of disappointment I've been going through this two months. If I'm alone at home, I could cry for an hour, without stopping. Because I'm just so disappointed with myself.

I wonder what's gonna be like next year, without all the seniors. I'm all alone. I am there to lead a club with 100+ members. I just can't do it. I'm not strong enough.

I was thinking: Is everything my fault? Am I the one to blame? Am I responsible for all these even though I'm not involved in anything. Because of you, I've to face such pressure and problems. Don't you think it's unfair to me?

Asking others to change but do you know we're all on the same boat besides you? Don't you think you're the one that is suppose to change instead of all of us? Please, be mature. You're holding such heavy responsibilities but now look at yourself!

I hate my job so so much now. I feel like I'm not capable enough to handle this heavy duty. I must be an abnormal human to face all these. I am not as strong as what people think of me. I'm weak. Very very weak.

For all the happenings, I started to regret for what I've aimed. Why did I aimed for president? WHY? I regret so much now. I feel sorry for the club. I feel sorry for my juniors. Whenever I see them being into photography so much, I feel sorry for them. I teach them whatever I know, I give them ideas and I give them advices. But actually, look at our committee, as their seniors, I feel useless. I can't even lead my committee, how can I lead a club?

Why are all these happening to me? WHY?


No one can ever give me the answer that I want.
Never.