If you're reading this, you might think that what I'm about to write will be total nonsense because there's so many more people out there who are even struggling to get a proper meal or have no clean water to drink. But it's okay, I'm still gonna write whatever crap I want because let's just face it, no matter how much you feel grateful about everything you have you still have times when you just feel that life's unfair and it seriously sucked.
I've moved out to the so called 'dorm' opposite college since this July and it didn't really take me THAT long to get used to the lifestyle of living alone. YOU SOLVE WHATEVER PROBLEMS BY YOURSELF. No one's gonna come to safe you but only yourself. That's quite shitty isn't it. I felt quite lonely at first as there wasn't many friends that I know. But as time goes by, I got to know a few and more. Some friends go, they never stay long. But no one will always be there so it's alright. Then I got to know this bunch of learning hub destroyers ( sort of a COOL name we give ourselves but okay, it's cool) which I spent almost 2 whole months with AT LEAST 12 HOURS EVERY SINGLE DAY. They're like my life haha. I can't even describe how grateful and lucky I feel to have them with me. They motivated me so much when I was about to give up but because of their presence, studying everyday in college wasn't that bad after all. But things happen, shitty things.
I wouldn't want to blame anyone because I can't do that? I just blame myself for being weak. That it is a fact that I HAVE NO FRIENDS HERE. The fact that I HAVE NO FRIENDS AT ALL RIGHT NOW. I hate it when arguments arises between me and my friends for things that aren't worth arguing for. Why are we even having a fight because of some useless shits? Besides, I feel ultimate lonely right now. There isn't someone that UNDERSTANDS WHY I DID THAT. WHY ARE MY OPTIONS LIKE THAT. You might think that I'm cruel, I ignore and distance myself from people that I dislike. You might think it's rude. YES IT IS RUDE AND SELFISH but for once I want to do something for myself. It's always people who leave me first but now I want to make the first move. I've always tolerated, and more toleration. I'm tired of having to act like I'M COMPLETELY FINE WHEN I'M NOT. When I don't like something I always always keep it to myself because I don't want to hurt a person but it really reached my limits where I can no longer bare with it. Is it wrong?
I have been through this so many times. I KNOW HOW IT FEELS LIKE. IT HURTS LIKE CRAP. And I am going through it now too but it's a different perspective. AND NO ONE SEES IT. I feel like everyone is standing on the opposite side now. Well, at least the important ones. What have I done wrong? Nothing, people tell me I've did nothing wrong but why? Have anyone ACTUALLY see things from my view? That I might be the worst victim? No. Never.
This might be a small issue after a few weeks. Life gets better, I believe. Hopefully I'll be busy with my studies again that I have no time at all for anything else besides studying. For now, I just want to study well, study well, study even better and not to overthink. And to meet someone.
I sat in class alone today at the corner...I want to go home and I want to move back home.
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